I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
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In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
My typo game is string.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Taliband
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.