I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
You Might Also Like
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?