@WowItsStephen: "I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy" is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
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@longwall26: I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I'm moving too fast, but I'd like permission to rename your cat.
@_mindflakes: Did you know that 1 in 5 people are fruit bats? Look at 4 of your friends. If none of them are fruit bats, it's you. You're a fruit bat.
@aparnapkin: Friendship: because I've said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
@caseytduncan: I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. "Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers."