“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
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you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.