I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
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a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company