I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
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Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted