I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
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“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood