I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
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Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”