I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
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[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Stonehinge
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.