I should have stayed in kindergarten.
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“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…