I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
You Might Also Like
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
How it started How it’s going
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Wake me when AI does housework
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec