I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
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I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Meow
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
what it’s like dating me:
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.