Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
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Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*