Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
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You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.