Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
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“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.