@deekizzle: I should really stop writing "lol" after "exercise" on my to do lists.
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@hazelmotes1: I like to wear fur coats, but fur is murder, so I just tied 15 live badgers together and this coat is really scratchy and bitey.
@KenJennings: I've been at this elementary school talent show for half an hour and I've already heard "Shake It Off" 137 times.
@djr_102: I broke up with a girl once by leaving a note on the front door that simply said: "Love doesn't live here anymore, and now, neither do you."