I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
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[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Solving a traffic jam
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is