I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
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Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
“I FIXED IT!”
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.