God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
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DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.