Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
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Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.