I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
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Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
me linking you to my twitter
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER