I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
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Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Just parrot things
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores