Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
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My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?