Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
You Might Also Like
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.