I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Botany good plants lately?
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.