@catlikethiefx0: I should've been a child star so I could've gotten all my working out of the way and been an accomplished drug addict by now.
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@EndhooS: Wife: he's always confusing sayings... Therapist: what if you're just misinterpreting him? Me: oooh, check you out playing devil's avocado
@GrillinChillin9: Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby. Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I'm going to out live you too.
@DurtMcHurtt: TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means? ME: *hand up* TEACHER: again, it's not a workout video for ostriches. ME: *hand down*