My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
You Might Also Like
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.