[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
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Me trying to walk in a dream
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )