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[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”