I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
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People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
bout dat hot dog summer
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”