i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
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When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Breaking news:
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*