I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
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6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
That lamp looks PISSED.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not