I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
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Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.