@IntoxicaTweeted: I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
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@ilovepie84: I've replaced my neighbors toothpaste with Napalm, and left him a free pack a cigarettes. Now we wait.
@usermcuserface: I scared 5 and he buzzed while we played operation. He went and told my wife on me. Long story short, I'm sitting in timeout tweeting this.
@wife_housy: Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds. Then felt glad that I don't have to water them anymore. Suburban life is a roller coaster.
@InternetHippo: ME: People should be able to say what they want w/o consequences, that’s the essence of free speech SOMEONE: You suck ME: Call the police