I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
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Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Can Happiness buy money?
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”