@IntoxicaTweeted: I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@JohnLyonTweets: "We're not lost!" Dad would insist, despite Mom's complaints that "This isn't on the map" and "We shouldn't be seeing the ocean from Tulsa."
@JustDontBugMe: [First Date] M: Hi! Him: Hi, I'm Chandler, I make jokes when I'm uncomfortable. M: Oh really? *winks* H: You look beautiful today.
@aveuaskew: For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn't that impressive.