I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
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*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Life cycle of cat
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message