@IntoxicaTweeted: I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
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@lordratsquirt: Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it's better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
@Parentpains: When all else fails burn shit, people will forget how much of a failure you are when they see stuff on fire.
@Marlebean: That's great about your engagement, promotion and new car. I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry. Samsies!
@xLiserx: I sexually identify as Nickelback because people are ashamed of how much they secretly enjoy me.