@man_spach: I shut down my computer in the middle of an iTunes update and I think Siri just sent a Terminator back in time to kill teenage me.
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@ValeeGrrl: 5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE'RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN'T WE DOING GOOD? Me: [in bed] Yeah. You're doing GREAT.
@SteveSuckington: [therapy] WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
@megankcomedy: I like to eat spaghetti with my hands so people don't even have to ask how I'm doing
@GrantTanaka: Txt from wife: where r u Me:kitchen Wife:can u feed cat M: I mean garage W:bring in laundry M:bathroom W:clean toilet M: Idaho W:get potatos