A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
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my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.