@TEXASVETERAN: I sing like Sinatra and have the brain of Einstein. I think that's why girls call me Frankenstein.
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@GeriatricBeards: *throws coin in fountain* stranger: can you not do that? Me: just want my wish to come true S: this is a drinking fountain m: wish came true
@EndhooS: Wife: He's always rewriting the past.. Therapist: is this true? Me: [doesn't hear because I'm typing 'Shrek killed Hitler' into Wikipedia]
@danjan13: Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
@hell_homer: btw I learned this tonight: DO NOT image search "scrotum" because people only post pictures using a medical name if there's something wrong