[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
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My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
What fresh Hell is this?!?
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*