me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
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My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.