*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
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“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
every college guy’s fridge
Okey dokey.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me