I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
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if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.