I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
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Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
Breaking news:
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
that lip filler tho
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
I have so many questions.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Not today.. 😂
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now