POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
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*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Said the murderer.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Big Sex has us all fooled
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.