I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
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I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
an octopus is just a wet spider
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
The Assassin.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.