@timdonakowski: I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I'm sleeping.
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@JessObsess: It's so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
@MelissaJoy33: Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don't get married. If you are over 35, don't get married. If you are 35, don't get married.
@david8hughes: [first day as a bartender] Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
@SonOfCha: They say if you ever get attacked by a shark you should punch it in the nose which is easy cause imagine how composed you would be.