@timdonakowski: I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I'm sleeping.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@ElgatoEsmio: If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
@papasuncle: [commercial] "Is there a dull film on your dishes?" Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
@offbeatoliv: I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
@KeetPotato: friend who's just been travelling: "in thailand there's an energy that connects with my aura" me: "in spain onion rings have squid inside"