I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
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The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
This kid will have a bright future.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking