@Jesssicle: I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
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@drewjanda: It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers' houses and made women try on a shoe I found
@dafloydsta: [bankruptcy court] JUDGE: Didn't you do any financial planning? ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
@mommy_cusses: Apparently you can't just say, "Not my circus, not my monkeys," and leave your kids at the store.