I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
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When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
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Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
SF is the wild wild west man
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”