@Super_Cynthia: I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I'm scared, but my zipper is broken and I've had too much botox on one side.
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@novicefather: [grocery store with 2yo] Cashier: your son is so cute. What do you want to have next? Me: a vasectomy
@bridger_w: Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone's cart and demanding they fight you
@samalmightysam: The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn't send you subtweets.
@NicCageMatch: Just saw a girl wearing a "BAD GAL" t-shirt so I yelled "NO!" & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.