I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
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*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
ok this is my dumbest yet
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Friday
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon