I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
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[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Hot hot hot 🥵
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here