[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
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Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.