I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
You Might Also Like
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Well, this is awkward
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering: