[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
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The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
me after drinking all the wine:
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done