@Boleyngirly: I slept like a rock last night meaning I woke up in the flower bed with the house key under my belly.
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@: [Changes Siri to male] ME: Siri, tell me the— MALE SIRI: Listen, here’s what you need to know. ME: I… MALE SIRI: Excuse me, I’m speaking
@xLiserx: Me: Can't. I'm exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning. Him: It's pronounced 'croissant' & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
@TheBoydP: Mammals for $500 Alex "Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating" What are sloths? "Wrong, What are coworkers"
@NicestHippo: If you think you're bad with words, imagine the first guy to say "There there" when consoling someone